Friday, April 28, 2006

Book Club

Last night I went to book club with Shellie and Laurie as well as a new woman in our ward and it was there I realized something...

Beth was right.
I have been left behind.

Back story: about four years ago Shellie's little girl asked me when I was going to marry Jason, and I told her we would get married after he came back from his mission.
She replied "you need to hurry up and get married and have babies or you're going to be left behind."

Shellie and I laughed over that then and since but last night it became very clear...
She was right.

Out of the 10 ladies there almost half of them are my age and all of them have multiple children. Don't get me wrong it's not like I want a baby so I can "belong", most of the time I'm perfectly fine with the number of friends I have- I dont' require that many to be happy but it's hard when you realize that you have very little in common with the people around you.

I sat in the middle of the room and listened while they all talked about their kids and how much they like getting out of the house for just a moment so that they can be addressed as something other than "mommy".
Oh, sure I could have joined in with something like "Oh, I know, when my dog follows me around the house and is constantly under foot I just feel like screaming! It's just so nice to have some "me" time."
Somehow I imagine an akward scilence- maybe it's just me.

mix that in, with the fact that I'm STILL working on that blasted degree and that I don't like watching movies or scrapbooking and I might as well paint my room yellow.

Don't get me wrong all of the ladies are very nice and have never done or said anything to hurt my feelings or make me feel like and outsider- I just do.

Times like these make me miss Matt and Mary Ann and our monday lunches we used to have when we all lived in UT- but nooooo.... they had to go and move far, far away where it's a test of resorfulness to just find an airline that flies anywhere NEAR where they live. (I'm feeling testy - I'm currently trying to find a flight).

Coupled with the fact that Lisa is getting married and has managed to plan it on the ONE DAY I told her I couldn't go (may 20th, Nevin's wedding) I'm just feeling a bit lonely - and anal about the photos and how they will be taken since they will be the only way I shre the day with her.


Matthew said...

I really miss those times too. Moving this far away has really caused a very unanticipated gulf. Hopefully, we will be able to get closer for my next job. Hang in there!

Oh, and don't let anyone pressure you into having babies.

Mrs. K said...

Underneath the children, and the role of mother, most of us are a lot like you. We all make choices that require us to be "left behind" in some aspects of our lives, and surge ahead in others. I'm just starting the school thing, and you're almost done. You've got an awesome website, are booking weddings, and taking amazing pictures with your talent, and my songs are still scribbles in a notebook. Someday, when I'm buried under homework, and my other choices, maybe you'll be up to your neck in kiddos, or maybe you'll be too busy jetting off to Europe to study Rubble. :)

We are friends, not for what we have in commen, but for how we support each other's lives, lift each other toward goals, and have fun together. I personally love that fact that you're not poppin out babies. I get to have a good portion of you all to myself, and I like that.

Bookclub is a broad spectrum of mothers, mothers-to-be, and maybe-someday-mothers. Last night was just hard because we were sitting accross from somone who is due any second- so it came up a lot. You add so much to the conversation- especially last night- I can't imagine it without you. I think a lot of the ladies in that room felt left behind whan you talked about art, and rome, and your travels, and I bet some of them are blogging-in thier own way- about feeling left out of the world, because of some of thier choices.

I'm rambling. I love you, please don't stop coming to bookclub.


Jonas said...

I don't think you understand what the little girl was talking about. Kids can be extremely intuitive.

Mary Ann said...

One thing that I've learned in the past few years is that, as a child, your life is governed by your age. 8=baptism, 12= YM/YW, 16=driving, etc. But basically after highschool, this dissolves. You have options. There isn't one path to a successful, happy future.

Shellie rightly points out that you are ahead where others might be behind, but I recommend that you quit thinking about it like that. It isn't a race to see who can do everything first. It would have been stupid to get married four years ago, and you can bet your life that having had a baby in the meanwhile wouldn't have helped you achieve other, necessary goals.

Life has phases. Enjoy the one you are in, whatever it may be. You won't get it back. My babies won't ever be babies again once they grow up. Whenever I catch myself daydreaming about how great it will be to send them off to kindergarten, I remind myself of that.