Thursday, July 23, 2009

I feel like my whole life consists of counting down the days from day to another- but not in the good way.

I have no idea where I'm going- I feel like I'm just surviving, funning blind almost.

I don't like it.

I try and think of what steps would go into being happy, sucessful and try and complete them.
But the truth is, I'm not happy or sucessful- in pretty much anything.

My marriage is on the rocks, my family hates him and to be honest I don't know how they would react if we didn't get divourced. I doubtless would be the topic of many discussions disecting me, my life and how and why I have made such a colosal mess of it.

To be honest the choice that I feel the most positive about is moving far China...where no one can ask me how "we" are doing, or if there are any new juicy bits about Jason. Or really just ask me what I'm going to do.

I don't feel that great about any of my options, but time is running out and I have to decide something.


Mary Ann said...

There's something to be said for leaving everyone behind and getting a clean slate. But, you don't have to go all the way to China to get that done. You could do it anywhere.

I doubt this helps much, but one of the reasons I try not to ask about Jason or bring him (or anything connected with him up) is that I'm sure you're sick of discussing it. The other reason is that I don't like talking about him either.

Matthew said...

Aside from the fact that we are always right and charming, you really shouldn't worry about what we would say. Pick what you think is right and stick to it. As much as I might disagree with a given choice, it is your life, and you own the decision, for better or worse.

Also, the only reason I have spoken with you on these subjects was because I thought you wanted that. I am quite happy to have a moratorium on these subjects if that is better for you.

That being said, China is a great place. Go for it =)

Also, I don't hate Jason.

Terra said...

Thank you, Matt. I didn't mean to make you think it was you specifically I was referring too. It's just the cost of being a large family. Even if everyone only mentions it every now and then, it still gets mentioned 8 times :) and that doesn't even count friends- not that I have a ton or anything but...

I'm know it's frustrating to those around me. The situation is seen as being able to do anything I want, because nothing is holding me back-except that I was doing what I wanted-marriage+family. Very traditional I know, but, it is what it is. I really have no intention of having another "go" at marriage if Jason and I divorce.
Divorce doesn't really give you a clean slate- more like a vile, messy, scarring slate that sticks with you for the rest of your life.
I've already picked up and moved, starting over twice now, and it's really not as great as you might think.

It's hard knowing the people who mean the most to me, think I'm weak,co-dependant and pick apart my actions. I can usually keep that pushed out of my mind- but it's hard when you can see that those people think you're sort of pathetic.
It makes me wish I had just kept my mouth shut and delt with it on my own- something that might have something to do with why I have so few friends. Only the ones who have known me for so long it's more work to get rid of me than put up with me stick around
But I'm confused, stressed and upset that I haven't felt that I've gotten answers to my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm just a visitor, and have read your site & you seem to have a positive & truthful energy. (For varification my site is:

Like the other person posting has said, you
don't have to go all the way to China. Nice thought but a tad drastic; but it's important that you do get away by yourself to adjust the course of your life and allow yourself to be once again positively centered.

Sometimes, we as individuals, get off course of our true path and discover that as hard as we have tried and as pure as our intentions were, where we currently are is just not working for us.

We need to get back on our true course or a course that is true to ourselves and sometimes that does mean taking the time to be alone to be introspective and re-discover what we really want and where we are really supposed to be.

This should be a sincere questioning and truly loving time of ourselves, asking what do we really want to do and where we want to go.

I hope you re-dicover your true direction and gain the richness of yourself, I'm sure it will be great and you will be magnificent & radiant when you find your true self.

My very best wishes to you in your quest.

Take care.


Melissa said...

It's official, I REALLY like this Gary guy. :)

I sort of knew you felt this way, but I didn't know it was this extreme.

I agree with Matt about the moratoriam on Jason as a topic of conversation. I'll make you a deal. You don't bring him up, and neither will I.

P.S. I still think you should go to Costa Rica ;)