Monday, March 14, 2005

I have been told on several occasions now that I need to post to my own Blog. It wasn’t enough that I got my own log in identity they want to have yet another blog to check.
I bow to the masses.

Saturday night:
I mention to Jason’s mother that I think Jessica, Jim, Jason and I should go out to dinner while we are out in Utah at the end of March.
She thinks this is a great idea- since the last time the family was visiting Jessica had some unresolved issues with Jason.
I thought it would be a nice idea to go out as two couples with out the rest of the family. That wasn’t the problem though, the problem was that Sis. Heilpern feels that Jessica will feel like Jason is slighting Jim by not having him in his groomsman party. I don’t think Jim will care because, the fact is Jason and he aren’t close and, well, Jim doesn’t really seem to care about groomsman parties. (Except for the fact that his “best friend” is getting married to Jessica’s “best friend” whom they introduced but are not involved in the wedding. That one he cares about.)
So anyway…
I want to keep the wedding parties on the small side, now I know what you are thinking, Mom, Mary Ann, you’re thinking “four is not small”. You are correct; four is not as small as I wanted. I wanted two. But I have four and I am fine with it. I refuse to have it any larger.
I was sitting on the coffee table that I’m not supposed to sit on – which happened to be between Jason and his mother. I explained that the duel purpose for this outing with his sister and her husband was to discuss the wedding party. I was in Jessica’s wedding party and she is in mine. I don’t think Jason should HAVE to have Jim as a groomsman “just because”. Now I could say that in the “it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I want” way, which in my experience never seems to work as well as could be hoped. (I will highlight the key words I used to create warm fuzzies inside his mother and promote the feeling of “it will all be OK”.) I merely pointed out to his mother that Jim is family and that he will be in the pictures, he will be included in the event- if it was a question of him in the wedding party, or excluded from pictures and such that would be different but since he is family, he will have a place in the wedding.
All was going well, her body language relaxed – she wasn’t sitting poker strait, she had lost the focused look people get when they are arguing their point.
Then Jason decided now was a good time to share his reasons for not wanting Jim.
Jason was clear that he has issues bout Jim- but he also has unresolved feelings of anger toward Jessica (well his entire family, other than his father) for insisting he go on a mission and making it fairly clear that if he didn’t they would never forget that he hadn’t served a mission. Then they didn’t write him. He has a binder where he kept all the letters I sent him (3”), a binder where he kept all the letters that his Dad sent him (1”), and a binder that isn’t full where he kept all the letters that Jessica, James, Jennifer, his mother and all his friends sent him (1”). That, mixed with selective memory (on his families part) on what was written in the letters regarding Jim, led to…
VERY ANGRY FEELINGS.
His Mom ended upstairs with his Dad. I ended up downstairs with Jason, explaining that he needed to get over it since he is already home and she can’t fix not writing as much as Jason wanted. Oh, and I got to give him back his stupid “burning coal in hand” analogy!
Another issue was I wanted to discuss the party plans with both Jessica and Jim present so that each could see what the other was feeling, and this trip might be the last time to discuss it face to face. I really don’t want Jessica screaming about how we “hate” Jim the night before.
Jason only wants to talk to Jessica- he thinks that Jim will see the discussion as a lame excuse as to way he isn’t invited. I pointed out that Jessica has a right to know what is going on because she is in MY bridal party- and that handling things this way was a wonderful illustration of what my mother was talking about, regarding dealing with the person who you have an issue with. I really hate having to get all aggressive with Jason over things- usually I can sit back and let him work through the process and he comes up with the resolution that I wanted in the first place with out my interference.
In the end Jason apologized to his mother for losing his temper. Without my suggesting it.

2 comments:

Mrs. K said...

smooth!

Matthew said...

Well, I think you did a good job at being the peacemaker. Although, I must say, using "duel" instead of "dual" qualifies as a very meaning-laden slip. Or, was it a deliberate choice?

Anyway, Jason obviously has some issues here. From someone who has never him, it becomes more confusing by the day.

In general, I think that the concept of wedding parties is outmoded. It's a hold-over from non-mormon society. They don't do anything anyway. Except the best man of course, who actually does have significant responsibilities in helping the day go off well. Remember Daniel from my wedding? Truly a lifesaver.

Anyway, good luck with getting things worked out. The wedding plans were the single most traumatic issue of my engagement (by far). I hope yours turn out better. =)